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Wednesday, December 7, 2016

See ya later or maybe not as much

Now that I caught everyone's attention.  I will probably be around minimally for the next 3 years.

After much deliberation, thought, prayer, meetings, counseling, discussion, etc, I have decided with my husband's (and kids) support to go back to college.  I am a college graduate (from Hickey) but only got my diploma because I, at the age of 18, thought I knew it all and just wanted to be done.

For years I have contemplated going back but never took the thought much further than that....a thought.  I always felt bad going back.

Why now?  Hickey contacted me because January 2017 is the last time I am eligible to enroll in their bridge program to graduate with a Bachelor's from that school.  After talking to a good friend and mentor, I compared the programs at Lindenwood to the program at Hickey and have decided Lindenwood is the best option for my family.

I registered for my first cluster of classes, and already have my first assignment, due the first day of class.  I start my communications cluster on January 5th.  The last piece waiting to finalize is my financial aid award letter which I will not be getting for a few weeks but people are guessing what my big news is and I have gotten some pm's all over the board.

That being said, I will be devoting less time online, and less time on extra curricular activities and more time on school for the next three years.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  Am I stupid for waiting 17 years to go back?  Am I stupid for going back now at the age of 35?  Am I stupid for going to college when in a few years we will be sending one to college?  The answer to all of this is no.  I am not stupid. This will only benefit me.  I know this now but I was terrified of making this leap and the implications it will have on my family but I am hopeful that the short term disturbances in our every day life will be worth it's weight in gold when I am done with school.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Lots of Memories

My dad has been gone 798 days.  This time of year is bringing a flood of emotions and memories.  Thinking of the last few days, weeks, months with him.  Thinking of the last time he came here and the times before that when we took it for granted that he'd be coming back.  Thinking of when he was originally diagnosed and being told it's not that bad.  He can beat this.  Thinking of the time we thought he did beat it.  Thinking of all of the stuff he has missed.  Serena has been in Mulan, Seussified, Shrek and now Charlie Brown Christmas...xander has been in Mulan, Shrek and now Charlie Brown Christmas.  Serena has graduated grade school, gotten confirmed and started in high school.  She had field shows, soccer conditioning and a bunch of mostly nonsignificant milestones that to my dad would have been significant.  Xander is a boy scout, loves soccer and tball.  Dad has miss every single one of those events and i know if he was here he would have made it a point to show up to all of that.  He would have been at her graduation party and he would have spent the weekend with them.  I miss that.  I took that for granted and now I wish I had that and more all over again.  Things have changed so much since his death.  More than I ever imagined.  New people have come into my life and some people have chosen to leave our lives.  I made the mistake of coming across an email of his earlier today and that made me miss him more.  The lights parade is this weekend and that made me miss him more.  Thanksgiving is next weekend and you guessed it, i miss him more.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I am blessed....

because I have wonderful friends.  Some new, some old, some close and some far away, some related and some not but I am blessed.  I have friends that I can count on and are there for me when I need them.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Take 2 (or 10 or 20)

I am attempting this healthy lifestyle again.

Here is my post from last August.

I started at 208.5 last August which was at the time the heaviest I have ever been.  Well my attempts failed and my motivated waned and I got up to 220 pounds.  That's where I was 3 weeks ago.  220 pounds. unable to give blood because my iron was low.  Why was I doing this to myself and our marriage.  You see I am not happy with the way I look and my husband never complains but I complain all the time about it and I am unhappy with it.  Which in turn makes everyone around me miserable.

Since 3 weeks ago, I have lost 11.5 pounds.  I started doing weight watchers.  I may not do it 100% "right" all the time but I am doing it and it's giving me a good baseline of where I should be eating wise.  I have been trying to stay more motivated and do more.  parking further away at the store, sitting towards the back at the top of the hill at Hollywood Casino, mowing the lawn, etc.

I want to be healthier.  I want to get down to 140 pounds.  I would be elated.  I need to stop by obsession with numbers though but I like seeing that number go down.  I am going to try to not weigh myself again until I make some real progress, as in my pants are too big (they're getting looser).  That scale can be evil and misleading.

Today I feel better than I have in a LONG time and that says a lot.  I spent the weekend with my family and wanted to be in the pics.  I am proud of the progress I have made and can't wait to take some more selfies with the kids.  I don't want my kids to struggle to find a picture of us together because I felt fat or looked fat..  Who cares because I know they don't.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Never Underestimate My Silence

So I am a very caring person and I will do just about anything for anyone, sometimes to a fault.  Okay usually to a fault.  Usually at the expense of my family or at the very least my husband, which is not something I am proud of. However, in the moment, I will do what is needed to help anyone.  It's after those moments when the people I help or reach out to completely and totally ignore me, treat me like I am a stranger on the street or someone they just friended on facebook out of nosey convenience or obligation that I regret being that person. I regret being kind, I regret having a big heart and I question my decision to remain in those relationships.  This is something I am struggling with and it's something like really came to light in the last few weeks that maybe some relationships shouldn't be forced.  Some relationships shouldn't take this much effort and some relationships are just toxic.  I can't just say this instead I sit in silence.   My silence may come as a welcome sound to some but know when I am silent, that means I have stopped caring or in the very least stopped trying so hard to care or make it work.  My silence shouldn't be a welcomed relief if it is, then I wish I would have been spared the heartache of trying a long time ago.

Thursday, May 26, 2016


I have come to the realization to be thankful for my children's health.  Xander had to go to Shriner's today.  Being at any of the phenomenal Children's Hospitals in St. Louis reminds me to count my blessings.

Xander's situation while minor in nature compared to what a lot of people face is kind of a big deal or could be if physical therapy doesn't work.

So wish us luck with physical therapy over the next year (yep you read that timeframe right).  Xander is actually a candidate to have corrective surgery done now for his femoral anteversion or more commonly known as intoeing.  This kid, literally, trips over his own feet.  His left one is an issue more than his right.  Now I know this is common but I also know some cases are worse than others.  We noticed an issue when he was 3 but was told to wait til he was 5 or 6 because it could correct itself as he grew and if not he would be sent to a specialist.  So we changed pediatricians at the age of 5 and when we saw his new pediatrician he said let's watch it for a while longer.  Now he is 7, getting involved with sports and more active and trips more.  He falls a lot.  And while we were walking one night we realized how intoed he was.  Dr. B did his well visit and gave us a referral to Shriner's.  So that's where we went today.

This place was awesome (as far as hospitals go).  Xander was amazed at the little pagers they gave us telling us when to go where, the colorful circles on the floor and the changing screen on the wall (it was a piano, a fish tank and several other things in the few short minutes in that waiting room).

We met with his doctor, a nurse and nurse practitioner.  They said that he has severe femoral anteversion of his left leg and minor in the right.  It's bad enough surgery is an option but not immediate option.  We need to do physical therapy for a while to see if stretching the muscles will loosen them up some making it easier for him to correct the way his foot turns.  However, even with physical therapy the only way to truly "fix" the issue is surgery.  While he is a candidate for surgery, we are going to try physical therapy first because if it helps him enough to where he is not tripping over his own feet consistently then it will be worth it.  The surgery requires them to break/cut his femur and correct the placement of it.  This would require a 3 to 4 month total recovery time and a couple day stay at Shriners.  That being said we pray for the therapy to work and Xander is very cooperative because he doesn't want surgery (and neither do we).

This could be genetics and it could be from sitting like this as a child.  So remind your kids to sit criss cross applesauce and say no to the "w."

In the meantime, Xander is somewhat enjoying his exercises:

I did ask if we waited too long for treatment and they said no.  7 is about the earliest this doctor would even agree to start physical therapy because they need some coordination and ability to understand directions.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Heavy Heart

Today has been a struggle.
Life is short.  People leave way too early.

So many thoughts going through my head...
Why does this happen?
Why so young?
My heart hurts for their families.
Why? Why? Why?

Hug your loved ones.
Enjoy EVERY minute.

In 2016, we (as in the county I live in) have lost 3 YOUNG people.
a 17 year old in a car accident, a 20 year old to cancer, and now a 28 year old .
Then factor in all the prayer requests for a 38 year old in the hospital fighting for his life.
Another 28 year old female facing liver cancer!
Then add in Faith and Xavier's battles.

Makes me thankful for what I have.

Appreciate your loved ones.

***disclaimer**** i am sure here are more in the county struggling.  These are just the stories on my mind at this current time.  Makes you think twice.

And this is countywide and anyone from a small community probably has no idea why it matters to so many people.  Did I personally know any of the above people?  One.  Did I know him well?  No.  But when you grow up in a small town and surrounded by other small towns and something happens, our whole county rallies together.  That is WHY I love where we live.  Our COmmUNiTY is awesome and my heart aches for all the families affected recently with all this heartache.