It'll get better....right?

I started this last Friday.........It has been 4 weeks.  4 weeks and 1 day.  Still does not feel or seem real to me that he has been gone that long.  I still wait for updates from Connie or want to text a random I love you to dad.  I still want to figure out the next weekend I can get away to see him.  It doesn’t seem fair.  I know it’s not fair.  I know life is not fair and I know I am not the only one to lose a parent or loved one to cancer.  I know this.  It doesn’t make it any better.  I would give just about anything right now to hear him say bite me or to hear stories about his job.  He loved his job.  He loved Hawthorne.  And I loved the happiness it gave him.  I loved knowing that despite the crappy circumstances dad was happy to see me when I came and looked forward to my visits.  1 Year ago this weekend I was in Chicago visiting him at Illinois Masonic because he had pneumonia.  I remember being so afraid that weekend that we would lose him.  Then a month later being there for his surgery and being terrified whether he would make it but he did.  And he knew I was there.   He still joked and you knew what he was feeling or thinking.  It is so crazy to me how much has changed in a year.  Heck not even a year.  I remember going up there in May and having a conversation (via the whiteboard) about my decision to change jobs and how supportive he was about it and his thoughts on why I shouldn't stay at my old one.  A real conversation (as real as it could be with him, his board and a marker). 

During his 18 month long battle, I had the ability to see him often.  I saw him every month for the first year and then every weekend for the last month of his life.  I am thankful for the people who afforded me that opportunity.  My husband, work, friends.  Time with him is something I will never have again and something I cannot make up.  Time is something I can regret not having enough of but honestly I do not regret the time I had or didn't have.  He knew I made it up there when I could and he knew I would have been up there more if I could.  He never had expectations for me to come (perhaps because I was never gone long enough for him to expect my return).  I just went.  It’s where I felt I was needed.  I didn't want to regret not having time.  Not seeing him.  Not being there for Connie.

Our relationship was far from perfect.  But the last 17 years our relationship was pretty good.  That's what I will hold on to and that's what I have decided to remember him.  The man he was the last 17 years.  The man he was to my kids and the man who wholeheartedly accepted Ryan.  A man who respected my decisions and a man who I could talk to and figure out my problems without him trying to coach me or tell me what to do.  We had our differences, our difference of opinions but we were also very much a like.

So for random fun these are memories I have been thinking about a lot lately.  

Him and Kruse arguing over who is going to pay for an 84 cent ice cream cone.  both stubborn men.  This, while at the time wasn't funny, makes me giggle when I think about it. 

The week I spent with Dad and Connie after I graduated high school and I had gotten a ton of shirts from old navy, hard rock cafe, random chicago shirts and on my last night there I had 9 shirts.  We went to Lone Star for dinner and he decided to make it an even 10.  

When I had Serena connie and I had gotten an umbrella stroller.  Dad called it the pinto.  Then one shopping trip we decided we needed a bigger size so we got a normal size stroller which he called the cadillac.  We joked that next up was the limousine (double stroller).  

When I had it in my head that I was going to make my own bouquets.  I bought all the flowers while in chicago and dad sat there and tried to help me make them.  We made one successfully before I said screw it, I am hiring a florist. 

The first time he met Ryan and liked him. 

Our first visit to Chicago in 1997 when they had a welcoming party for us.  All the people that came to see us.  I was amazed.  

Waiting on the metra train one of our first visits by the race track and someone reported two girls with spray cans.....the cops came...we had water bottles.  Someone was bored that day. 

In 2011 when I arranged to have Connie surprise serena at school for grandparents day in April.  The surprise was on me when I came home from work and dad was standing in my living room to hand me my 30 days of Pam surprise from him (a starbucks gift card, hand delivered). 

Dad giving me away and our first dace to Tough Little Boys.  That song now makes me cry. 

And me getting to stand up for him and Connie 7 months later. 

Five weeks have now passed.  It took me a week to get this out.  I miss him.  bad.  I knew it would hurt and suck but honestly I didn't expect it to be this hard.  We knew it was coming.  That definitely didn't make it any easier.  Even after they told us that he had a week left, I thought I was going to get one more weekend with him.  I was wrong.  I don't regret it because I had been there as often as I could but right now I would give anything to see him one more time.  To read him the letter I wrote.  To give him one more hug.  anything.  Part of me is angry.  They were supposed to fix him.  He had the best doctors and was at the best hospital.  I know it's not their fault.  They did what they could.  And he had 18 months with us.  I just wanted more time.  I always took for grant it he would be here for Serena's confirmation, graduation and Xander's first communion.  Serena's 13th birthday.  That he would get to come see more parades and soccer games.  That serena would get another summer with him.  

okay I am done feeling sorry for myself.  I know I am not the only one to lose a parent but right now that doesn't help the way I feel.  

On a side note, today is my mother in law's birthday.  Happy birthday to Phyllis.  I miss you too.