Random

Random.

That's what this is.

Just random thoughts going through my head. 

I miss my dad.

A lot.

I knew I would miss him.

It's no secret that our relationship was rocky, at best, for years.

But it got better over time.

Specifically it was immensely better after I became a parent.

Maybe because I put forth more effort so my daughter would know grandpa.

It's no secret I gave him a hard time.

Part of me feels guilty but part of me knows that he probably didn't expect any less from me

because afterall I was his child and I very much have his personality and attitude

I love my dad.  I miss him more than I thought possible 

and would give just about anything to talk to him one more time.  

Scratch that.  I talk to him ALL the time. 

I would give anything to hear bite me.

I loved our late night conversations when I would get to his apartment. 

I could be dead tired but when I got there and started talking I would wake up.

He would always ask...How's your mom and Ken?

He would ask about the boys and my grandma.

Lately I think a lot about him.  

I read the emails I kept from him. 

Towards the last few months, they were very short because it was all he could manage.

I still have not deleted his number from my phone.  I can't.

His memorial is coming up in May.  Maybe that's why he is on my mind. 

Now we are going on vacation and it just brought back a flood of memories of him.

He approached me about taking serena on vacation with them after he beat his cancer.

We also tried to plan a Disney trip years ago.

I have a mousepad on my desk with his photos on it.

They make me smile and tear up.

I miss him.